I wondered if it was even possible to feel the way I deeply wanted to feel on the inside.
For most of this life, I have wondered if living a life in line with inner peace, ease, joy, play, creativity, authentic expression, and hearing and therefore following my inner guidance, wisdom, and direction was even possible?!
I believed it was possible for other people. But I knew that intense deep, chronic ‘pain in my emotions’ and fierce self-hatred and self-abandonment made it seem impossible for me, making me so sad, defeated, and frustrated.
Life had been tough inner slogging, and living fearlessly free, free from bounds and conditioning and embracing the beauty and gift of this life was and is my deepest heart’s desire! And so began my very deliberate and intentional steps towards inner transformation.
The Body Speaks
The somatic signs of this inner chaos were debilitating neck and rib (popping out) pain for about eight years. I could no longer do so many of the activities that I loved, which made things more difficult as exercise and movement were and are medicine for me.
For a while, I went to a chiropractor every second day. Yikes! I was so depressed and defeated, so I started isolating myself and got more depressed and lonelier.
Getting Back on Course: Paying Attention to What Needed my Attention
In 2018 I was at the beginning stages of understanding developmental and generational trauma and its detrimental impact on my life. Understanding and healing the Codependency wreckage and its many layers were vital! I also began my EFT Training (and Pranic Healing 2 years before).
I started taking intentional steps to heal my chaos-filled inner world by addressing my negative, toxic, and limiting beliefs and learning to listen to my body/body’s wisdom and emotions. EFT Tapping (and ALL of my swap partners) made this possible for me. Instead of running from my emotional world, I began diligently walking toward the darkness, density, and heaviness.
I have let go of everything and everyone that is toxic, constraining and not good for me and only allow those that are peaceful, kind, respectful, positive, encouraging and patient with me. Those that I trust to be in my heart space and feel good and resonant with my being. I have broken up with:
Codependency, the early impacts of not feeling emotionally seen and safe, being highly criticized, controlled, feeling and taking on other people’s heaviness, feeling like life is a burden, and too serious is Spirit killing for me!
Freedom from the need to try and be what others want and think I should be and guilting and should-ing myself and putting toxic pressure on myself- this was deep and took a lot of work to dismantle!
I was listening to a ‘We Can Do Hard Things’ podcast yesterday called ‘How Family Secrets Shape Us” while working on a pastel drawing. Dr. Galit Atlas, the author of ‘Emotional Inheritance,’ was interviewed and spoke on this! My son is my greatest gift, and my deepest hope and wish is that he does not have to carry these ‘emotionally inherited’ heavy burdens!
What I have learned about myself in the process:
I am strong, tenacious, and courageous. My Spirit would not let me settle for a broken, shattered inner and outer existence! That made me a bit teary to write. Thank you, Spirit!
With safe people, I kept walking into the fire again and again and learned that there is freedom if we keep being courageous and honest with ourselves. Listening to, honouring, and caring for our wounded inner child(ren) is transformational!
I have also learned that I:
- deeply like and need to be alone a lot to take care of myself and my nervous system and access my sacred inner space and creativity.
- need peace and harmony around me—no pressures and rushing.
- am not supposed to fit in and embrace living and creating from my Spirit!
My Spirit requires freedom, peace and ease and wants to laugh, play, create, dance, sing, move and connect. Now I get to do those things!
It’s no longer all about pleasing others and ignoring and abandoning my needs to get their approval. Pleasing others is the road to self-abandonment. A road that I am no longer willing to take!
I choose to be around kind, respectful, safe people that want the best for me (like I wish for them)!
As the layer upon layers of pain and suffering is being healed and integrated, the ability to hear and honour and listen to my inner guidance, knowing and wisdom has emerged!
I can see now that it IS possible to live a life of joy and play & in line with what my Spirit wants to express, create & experience! As my identity is no longer pain, trauma & debilitating unworthiness, I no longer:
- feel the need to be invisible and not take up space, give my power away, and live in chronic fear!
- have a paralyzing fear of rejection, abandonment, criticism, judgement, and disapproval.
- live in terror of looking foolish and trying to be perfect.
I have eased up on myself and developed healthy boundaries, self-compassion, self-worth, a sense of self, and more inner- ease.
My outer world is now reflecting back to me more ease, peace, joy, play, fun, and purpose! Life is WAY sweeter and more enjoyable with yourself! I feel like I have been released from self-imposed inner prison! Of course, there is always more inner excavating to do and nervous system healing, but I can see that it IS possible to feel the way I always wanted to feel on the inside! It’s possible for all of us!
Just imagine, who would you BE?! How would you feel on the inside??