I believed a life in line with inner peace, ease, joy, play, creativity, and authentic expression was possible for other people. But I knew that intense, deep, chronic ‘pain in my emotions’ and fierce self-hatred and self-abandonment made it seem impossible.
Like so many, life had been tough, inner slogging, and living fearlessly free, free from bounds and conditioning, profoundly peaceful and embracing the beauty and gift of this life has always been my deepest heart’s desire.
My tenacious Spirit, in various ways, has consistently kept recalibrating me in the direction of inner healing, reflection, and transformation.
The Body Speaks
The somatic signs of this inner chaos were debilitating neck and rib (‘popping out’) pain for about eight years. I could no longer do so many of the activities that I loved, which made things more difficult as exercise and movement are medicine for me.
For a while, I went to a chiropractor every second day. Yikes! I did not yet know how to deal with and process all the inner and outer pain and shame. I started isolating myself and got more depressed and lonelier.
Paying Attention to What Needed my Attention
There have been a few people in my life that have trampled on and fed off of my fragile self-esteem and kind nature. They used their anger to cause me to freeze and disappear so that they had power over me.
In 2018, I ended a relationship with someone its now clear to see embodied all of the qualities of a covert narcissist (definition and book info). Trying desperately to process and understand what had happened led me to the doorstep of developmental and generational trauma. My insides felt shattered. I could not have felt much lower having everything coming up all at once.
About six months later, I began EFT Tapping training, which became my life raft as I began to unravel the long-lasting impacts of trauma evident in a frozen (in fear) nervous system and the creation of Codependency, an early coping and adapting strategy. It allowed me to look at an array of negative, toxic and limiting beliefs. Although you can do EFT on yourself, I chose to look at and navigate the many things and inner places with safe, compassionate, and skilled practitioners.
On the other hand, Pranic Healing is a no-word, non-touch form of energy work that we can do on ourselves. I find them to be a magical duo!
Inner healing drastically alters how our inner world feels, which changes our outer world experience!
I chose to have people around me that are peaceful, kind, respectful, positive, encouraging and patient. Those that I trust to be in my heart space and feel good and resonant with my being.
I am free from the need to try and be what others want and think I should be and guilting and should-ing myself and putting toxic pressure on myself- this was deep and took a lot of work to dismantle. As have feeling the need to be invisible and not take up space, the paralyzing fear of rejection, abandonment, criticism, judgment, and disapproval.
Giving my power away and ignoring and abandoning my needs in the hopes of getting approval from others is a thing of the past.
Pleasing others is the road to self-abandonment. A road that I am no longer willing to take!
I was listening to a ‘We Can Do Hard Things’ podcast,’ How Family Secrets Shape Us,” while working on a pastel drawing (picture above). Dr. Galit Atlas, the author of ‘Emotional Inheritance,’ was interviewed and spoke on this.
I found it fascinating! My son is my greatest gift (and teacher), and my deepest hope in doing this inner work and healing generational trauma is that he (and generations to come) will not have to carry the impact of ‘emotionally inherited’ burdens!
Thank you, Spirit!
My Spirit would not let me settle for a broken, shattered inner and outer existence!
With safe people, I kept walking into the fire again and again and learned that there is freedom if we keep being courageous and honest with ourselves. Listening to, honouring, and caring for our wounded inner child(ren) IS transformational!
As layer upon layer of pain and suffering are healed and integrated, our ability to hear, honour, and listen to our inner guidance, knowing, and wisdom emerges!
My Spirit requires freedom, peace and ease and wants to laugh, play, create, dance, sing, move and connect. Maybe like yours?
My identity is no longer pain, trauma & debilitating unworthiness. Therefore, I can now see that it IS possible to live a life of joy and play & in line with what my Spirit wants to express, create & experience!
The outer world
My outer world is now reflecting back increasingly more ease, peace, joy, play, fun, and purpose! Of course, there is always more inner excavating and nervous system healing, but living fearlessly free, free from bounds and conditioning and embracing the beauty and gift of this life is becoming increasingly closer!
I write this for anyone suffering and to share these modalities that have, over the years, enabled me to come back to myself in case they resonate with you.
I now know that inner peace, ease, joy, play, creativity, and authentic expression is possible and available to all of us if that is what we desire.
My deepest heart’s desire is that we all find our unique way back ‘home’ and that this deep inner peace and ease translates to peace and ease with one another, on, and with this beautiful Earth!
Where is your Spirit not letting you settle?